The past few weeks have been nothing but haze. As I sit and try and update this I honestly have a hard time picking and choosing what the write about.

Princess has been more difficult than ever. Just when I think we're going to have a breakthrough and she will realize that she's 4 now and should stop the crazy behavior, she does something else. I swear some of the things she does are things we've learned about in our Foster Parenting classes that are classic of abused and neglected kids. (Her latest antics are urinating on the floor behind her bed and she's escalated the stealing and hiding that she's done since very early on, before we even considered it "stealing") Yet she was never abused or neglected!! We got her straight from the Hospital. It makes me wonder how much genetics really plays in each of us.

I've been thinking a lot about the comments said on the stand during the trail before the Adoption was finalized. At the advice our our attorney we hired this Psychologist who came in and observed our family interactions with Princess. She did an independent bonding assesment to present to the court. This woman had studied and written books on Bonding and Attachment and was an expert in the field. Did you know Bonding and Attatchment are 2 very different things? I didn't, that is until we listened to her speak that day on the stand. She talked about how even newborns suffer loss when separated from their Biological Mothers. Some more than others, but it was well documented and it didn't matter how good of a home that the child went too. So is this something that Princess suffered? Is the reason she has such strange behaviors now?

I admit, that really seems like a stretch. After all, she's 4 yrs old now! Seems she would have gotten past that by now.

In the meantime, the two of us continue to butt heads. I try and be as consistent as possible with her. In the past, this was very difficult because hubby had the mentality that she was his perfect princess and let her get away with everything- but now even he is frustrated with her.

Yesterday was just awful. She awoke in a bad mood and I knew it was going to be a bad day. We ended up going shopping for new shoes for the boys. She was sitting in the cart fussing because I wouldn't let her stand up in the cart. (Imagine that!? I'm such a mean terrible mom hu?) Unfortunately, she cannot be trusted to walk and must be in the cart. Anyway, she reached up and slapped me across the face for no apparent reason. It completely took me by surprise and I reacted. That was just the beginning of our difficult day. Just an hour later I had to take her kicking and screaming away from her Soccer Game because she was acting up and I verbally told her if she wouldn't stop then we were leaving. Of course, I had to follow through- so off we went. The boys and I had the pleasure of listening to her scream miserably the whole way home.

The afternoon didn't improve much. I tried taking her outside while I worked in the yard but she wouldn't stay nearby and kept wandering off. We don't have a fence and back to an open space filled with trees and a pond. We had a Coyote appear in our backyard just last week wanting to feast on our new puppy. I just can't have her wandering off like that!! After 2 warnings I had to take her inside to her room. We are very consistent- yet she STILL DOESN'T LEARN!?!?!?

I'm spent. I'm frustrated and questioning things I never imagined I'd be questioning. I need to post more because I feel so much better when I do....

3 messages:

  1. M said...

    Awww honey, I hate that you're going through this.

    I'm starting to see things from Sal too, she'll be 4 this month. We got her at 8 weeks so it's not like she has any memory of her mother.

    I'm hoping it's just a pre-schooler rebellious stage, but I'm preparing myself in case it's not.

    Hang in there!! Email me to vent anytime.  

  2. Anonymous said...

    Just found your blog. I love your story and your writing style!

    Years from now you'll look back on this time and laugh. I know Princess will get through this.  

  3. Anonymous said...

    This post sure sounds like my daughter and her Reactive Attachment Disordered behaviors. I always tell people she would rather run into the street and get hit by a truck than listen to me.

    We were in the delivery room when she was born, so I too once believed that she suffered no trauma from adoption and that she did not remember leaving her bio mother. Now I believe that a combo of adoption loss/separation (a more visceral than cognitive thing) and the drugs and alcohol the mother used while pregnant have changed our daughter's brain chemistry and development. This kid lives in her Amagdyla, or "fight or flight zone" 24/7, and I too was a mother who carried her everywhere, spoiled her, I even nursed her with a lact-aide to try and help her bond. In spite of everything we tried every day here is what I call "high anxiety" with my daughter (now 7) and her behaviors. She is always yelling, hitting, slapping, fighting with the other 4 of us. Our friends and family now tell us what awful parents we are, even though we have two other (adopted) children who have bonded to us and do very well, one older and one younger. We never know when we can go out, I usually only can when I have my husband along to help. She can seldom tolerate something as simple as a trip to Wal-Mart with out losing it and we are forced to leave.

    As someone who put things off for far to long and allowed myself to be lulled by friends and family who insisted she was "going through a phase" or "not that bad" or "would outgrow it" I urge you to seek an evaluation for your daughter. All the time that I ignored the possibility of Attachment disorder (about three years) simply added to the severity of it all now. I believed I had been a good mom, but her disorder was and is not about me or how I was loving or caring for her, as much as it is her capacity to respond normally to me (with her injured brain.)

    I hope you do not mind my sharing of my own situation. I came across you blog while looking at adoption related links, and reading your posts reminded me so much of what I was thinking and going through when we first began to suspected there was something more serious going on with our middle child. You are welcome to email me if you would like to talk further at

    Deb D.  


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