I've hummed and hawwwed over whether to post this here on my blog. There are people who read here that will not understand. However, there are many that read here... that just might. It is those people that I want to hear comments from. Please don't judge me, for those of you that can't help yourself, don't bother! I wont post them.
I am near my breaking point. Life stressors have changed. Now instead of worrying about how we're going to pay our mortgage every month ( hubby injured his Shoulder at work and was out of commission for several months) he's working 2 FT jobs and we're quickly catching up. We'll soon be ahead and just in time for Christmas. I should be celebrating. I should be jumping for joy. Instead I no longer have ANY support here at home day or night and I'm literally ready to run away. Abandon my 4 children and disappear into another life. Of course, that will never happen, but I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't seriously crossed my mind.
I'm majorly sleep deprived thanks to Princess. The child DOES NOT SLEEP. She keeps me running after her the entire day, a nap is a rare occurrence and now having her keep me up all night too is breaking me. I dread each morning and what the new day will bring. I seriously need respite care. Funny how that's one thing I would have never imagined asking for in our Adoption subsidy. We've had her since she was 2 days old. Raised her as our own from the very beginning- yet I have to admit she is so very different. She's programmed different and nothing we have done could have changed that. Had she been older, we certainly would have asked for something like Respite to keep our sanity, but we never thought we'd need it.
I'm not sure why, but I have had recent feelings of... well... I don't even know what to call them kind of feelings. They come from pure frustration, probably exhaustion too. I just feel like I'm failing her. We've been through the PCIT therapy. We've been consistent. We've done everything we know what to do. It's not normal for a 3 yr old to sleep 2-3 hours in a 24hr period consistantly. NOT NORMAL!!! It's also not normal for a 3yr old child to have some kind of need to constantly be getting into things. Day or night, she's getting into things she's not supposed too. She's like a 1 yr old in that regard. 1 y/o's don't really know better...nearly 4y/o's DO! Yet she can't. She lacks the impulse control.
Recently Princess had another bad night. She was literally up and down all night long. I fought her most of the night, but at some point after 4:30am I fell into a deep, dead sleep and didn't wake up until 6:15 when I usually get up. Wanna know what I found?
Yeah, let's see... her bedroom floor covered with a big mess of red "something" all over her carpet. Upon further inspection under her bed (where she puts things she's knows she's not supposed to have) this is what I found:
1 empty ziplock bag
1 empty playdoh container (white playdoh that had been stored in the said Ziplock bag)
1 pair of very sharp kitchen scissors
1 empty box of Cherry Jello mix
1 plastic knife (THANK GOD it was plastic!)
OMG This is never coming out of our brand new carpet. THANK GOODNESS she didn't hurt herself with the scissors or cut off all her hair!! What if next time, it's not a Plastic knife, but a REAL one???
We've tried everything.
*Baby gates don't work. She climbs them or knocks them down.
*Co-sleeping. She waits until we're sleeping and climbs out of bed to get into anything she can.
*We've tried locking her door from the outside. It makes it worse. I'm forced to sit through hours of screaming. I mean HOURS upon HOURS of screaming. It just can't be good for her emotionally.
*I've taken her to the Doctor. He can't find anything physically wrong with her and feels it must be Psychological/Behavioral and she may need some kind of therapy. Someone please tell me, how can a 3y/o benefit from therapy??
ACK, this post is going to turn into a novel if I keep this up. To make a long story short, I think I am beginning to resent my beautiful little Princess. I'm finding that I actually need to get away from her. A question for fellow Adoptive families.... Am I suffering from "Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome" (PADS)? I've seen the term thrown around before, but we're nearly 1 year post finalization here. Plus we Adopted here in the United States, not abroad and we've had her since she was 2 days old. Do you think it's still possible? Could it even set in this late in the game??
GAH- On the other hand, maybe I just need sleep.
Labels: Adoption, Foster Care, Princess, Random Thoughts
10 messages:
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WOW! I wish I could offer some fabulous words of advice for you, but I'm simply at a loss. I hope you find the answers you're looking for. Are there local support groups for adoptive parents that might be able to point you in the right direction? Be that therapy for a three year old, or other options?
Btw, you've been tagged!! Check my blog for details:
http://searchingformyinnerskinny.blogspot.com/2008/10/playing-catch-up.html
Sounds rough, I dont knw how anyone can function on no sleep, you or the child! I will pray for you.
Wow...well I certainly would not ever judge you! I am not an adoptive mom. I do have four children though ages 11, 8, 6 and 11 months. All I can say is I think she'll outgrow it. I really do. My oldest did some awful things. She colored lipstick into my carpet...she'd sneak out of bed and dump all the cereal boxes onto the floor...once she went to grandma's at about 4 years of age and peed down the heat vent. Seriously. She put stickers all over my dresser that would NEVER come off and she sprayed my hairspray all over the dresser which caused the varnish to drip off. She dumped nailpolish on our headboard...the list goes on and on. lol She's 11 now and I can't get her butt out of bed. Take a deep breath. It's going to be ok. You should get away. There is no guilt in that at all! You deserve it. I think all kids have different temperaments and hers is definitely being a little trouble maker ;) They do grow out of it and then of course start a new phase to drive you crazy but perhaps something you can handle better. Feel free to e-mail me or anything if you ever want to vent. I have totally been there! Not as an adoptive parent. I wish I could give you some tips on the feelings with that but all I can do is offer you tips as just being a mom. After all that's what we both are. :)
Thanks for stopping by Mommy Stays Home and leaving a comment. I LOVE your blog tamplate
I am so sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble with your daughter. I have 2 children of my own, but neither are adopted. I do have an adopted brother. Growing up he always seemed to have a different personality then the rest of the family. He never gave my mom any of the trouble you are talking about until junior high. Even now he is the only one that lives out of state. Today he is one of my favorite brothers (I have 3). I love him to pieces. Hopefully she will outgrow this.
My husband's Unlce has 4 adopted children. 3 are international and the oldest is from the US. The 2 girls are dolls, but the 2 boys have caused there mother to go gray. They do the same things that your little Princess does.
The youngest became violent one day and the only thing his mom could do to protect the other kids was to lock him outside for a minute. (They live in the country)Once he was outside he broke a window and put a hose into it and tured on the water. (He is from Romania and was left in a crib until he was 2. When they got him he still could not walk.)
The oldest has had SO many behavioral problems as well. He also has ADHD, fetal alcohol syndrome, and a skin disease that does not allow him to be in the sun. Their mother does not sleep and every time I see her she ends up in tears by the end of the day.
My husband's other Aunt has an adopted daughter. She had a lot of the same issues as well. She has been to a lot of therapy and has the most patient mother I have ever seen. Today she is 16 and SO much better.
Hang in there. It will get better
I will see if I can find out some information for you on what these 2 mothers have done to help their kids get through this.
Sorry this got kind of long. Hopefully this helps you know that you are normal and you are not alone. Maybe someone from your church would be able to help with the kids for awhile so you can sleep. You will be able to handle things better once you are rested.
Good Luck
Holy Cow Kristen! You have been put through the ringer lately haven't you?
Oh girlfriend, I can not say, "I know what you mean", becuase I haven't been in that "adopted" place, but having 2 ~ almost 3 yr olds...all I can say is it should get better.
There must be a reason why she is pushing your limits? But getting to the bottum is going to be tough.
Hang in there. You ARE a GREAT mom, it just sounds like you are to tired to remember that!
BIG HUGS my friend!
I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I don't. I wake up many mornings to ice cream containers on the floor, boxes of spagetti (from the top pantry shelf) dumped on the floor. I just can't stay awake with the kid. Her doctor has told me she just has an "active mind." Gee, thanks.
One thing I do know is that even though you didn't specifically ask for respite in your adoption, you can still get help. My state has laws that provide for things like that, plus mental health services, even if you didn't ask for them at the time.
Check with your state adoption association. I wish I was closer, I would help out in a heartbeat.
Heck, ship her on up and she can join in the chaos.
Email me anytime. I don't have the exact same situation but I have adopted and I have four kids so we've got that in common.
Hang in there girlie!
Wow, this is very scary. I am greatful that my adoptive son is not doing this stuff, but he does wake up several times through out the night. He is usually crying and needs me or my husband to sit with him tell he falls back to sleep. He started doing this in January of this year. I talked to his doctor and we put him on Melatonin. After several months we didn't have to do it every night. We only use it every once in a while. He has gotten better. My little guy was exposed to drugs during pregnancy, and I am sure your little girl was as well, and that tends to make things a bit more difficult to deal with.
I would be feeling the same way you are if my son was doing those things. Plus, not getting quality sleep is bound to make you unhappy. I have a new baby and getting up for feedings and then a almost 4 year old waking up several times through the night wipes me out too. And I think that it is normal to go through a type of depression after a child comes into a home wether it is by birth or adoption. It is an adjustment period, and can be quite a while tell things truly settle down, if at all.
Thinking about you. Talk to your doctor about the Melatonin. (spelling) It might help her get a bit more sleep.
I've got 2 A-kids. I'm now writing my memoir on PAD. You are not crazy and it is nearly impossible to complain about the stress of an A-child. The sleep thing you have to get under control (as well as the guilt thing) I can say this as I have walked your shoes. I did cry it out with both and am SO GLAD. Yes it was hard, yes they said for me not to do it. But now they both sleep 12 hr/night. So it was worth it in my books. Anyways. Just wanted to drop you a line saying you aren't alone.
Oh my goodness...you are a saint. I am impressed that you can string words together and make coherent sentences.
Here is a thought for you. I had a student one year in my 2nd grade classroom. The sweetest boy ever. He was adopted too--but it may have nothing to do with it. He was not really ADD or ADHD, but he had difficulty turning his brain "off" at night. He never fell asleep long enough to enter into that restful REM pattern. (or for you to either for that matter!)
He had the same sleep patterns as your daughter. Doctors ended up prescribing him medicine to take in the evening to keep his brain from "running" all night.
Have you gotten a good doctor? Maybe doing one of those sleep clinics and seeing what her brain does do when she finally sleeps would be helpful.
Otherwise, perhaps some cement flooring and padded walls in her room? LOL!
Really, I hope you find something that will help. I know what it is like to be sleep deprived. My youngest didn't sleep through the night until she was 8! The first night she didn't come wake me up I had to go check to see if she was still breathing!
I wish you well!